Stay out of the Mommy Wars

Apparently the big conflict of late to do with the middle class is the "mommy war." The "Opt out" generation is, according to various social observers, full of ivy-league educated females throwing it all away to stay home and raise the kids. It's either a tragedy or a glorious use of personal choice, depending on who you listen to.

On Friday I scouted a mid-thirties couple who want to sell their home and appear on our program. They're successful and hip, and they have a great house that's going to land them a pretty big profit. They're moving closer to family down south and are obviously going to buy a much bigger house with the cash they'll earn on the home sale. And thanks to the lower cost of living, the woman added that she wouldn't have to work and could have and raise babies at her leisure.

She sounded positively thrilled. Except for the fact she'd be bored doing nothing until the kids came, she couldn't wait.

This is an educated and independent woman (bought the house by herself before she got married--remodeled it mostly by herself), who worked her way up in the industry. She had no shame saying she couldn't wait to quit her job and raise children without the rat race or pressure of a heavy work load.

So how come she doesn't care about the mommy wars? In fact, I don't hear of any feminist conflict from my friends who are stay at home moms. And every mom I know who works (the ones with infants) hate the fact they have to work. The ones with somewhat older kids seem pretty content--now that the kids are older, they learn independence, mommy can work.

So what's the fuss? Well, some women thinkers believe that by staying home, we're destroying any inroads paved by earlier generations, to higher (how about EQUAL??) wages and better flextime and family benefits. This is true. But you know what--I'm the one who has to get up in the morning and enjoy what is happening to me that day. I'm the one who has to work, drive, eat, breathe and run errands. When I have a kid, I am not going to work my ass off, and thereby run myself into anxiety attacks and exhaustion, so that women will have even better benefits and wages as a whole. I'd love to say it's worth sacraficing my well-being. But guess what: It's not.

That's why I resent this "mommy wars" bullshit so much. Like anything, the media is blowing it all way out of proportion. Yes, it's a lot harder to get back into the work force after a few years. Yes, benefits are still crappy for families. But are we talking about a crisis? Are we setting back womens' rights by years and years? Time will tell, but currently, a woman has made it to the anchor's desk for a nightly news broadcast (Katie Couric--after of course E. Vargas presumably got fired for being pregnant-50% there anyways), Oprah's worth $1.4 billion, and Kelly Ripa holds down 8 jobs while raising 4(?) kids. Still small beans considering we're capable of world domination, but progress is inevitable; and the nagging fact remains that kids need parents. I know, it's most inconvenient, but they simply do.

All the writers and thinkers in the world can wring their hands and argue to each other about what's best, but in the end, it's each family that has to decide.

In fact, there are other ways women can have it all. Perhaps it's time for women to put on their trademark ingenious thinking caps and figure out a new economy where women can thrive. Many stay at home moms have profitable businesses--via ebay, scrapbooking companies, mail-order cookies. Some are lawyers and CPAs who work out of their home. I freelance in the female-friendly world of reality tv; as long as I keep my connections up and book some at-home work in the meantime, I can dip into that world pretty easily.

Perhaps the Senior VP of a brokerage would have a hell of a time recapturing that position after 5 years of potty training and spit up. But she could potentially make a decent amount of money--and her own hours-- by becoming an independent financial planner. If talented women also have the second income of their husband's in the checking account, they can have a little more wiggle room in starting these entrepreneurial endeavors.

I could be wrong, but I think that's the way for women to Have It All. They need to think ahead (something people never do, I've found, thinking that Everyone Does It - get married and have kids--without realizing it takes a lot of thought to make the experience ideal and less than nerve-wracking) and find out how they can be thinking, thriving, working people, without the Man cracking the whip and refusing to recognize familiy obligations.

And then, as all these homegrown female entrepreneurs watch their businesses grow, as they hire people, they will enact family friendly procedures for their employees. Right???

Maybe then everyone will shut up about the Mommy Wars. It's getting old!